Father. Husband. Leader. These Are My Confessions


I’ve been married for six years and I’ve learned things about myself I wouldn’t have learned in any other context. There have been times I’ve wanted to walk away and times I’ve wanted to spend every second of the day with my wife. There have been times I couldn’t keep my eyes off her and times I didn’t want to see her. I’ve experienced an array of emotions, but seldom felt empowered to authentically express them. Although I’ve grown in many areas, I realize how silenced I became and why so many men feel the same. Sometimes we refuse to share because we fear hurting our spouse, being ostracized, being unheard or belittled, but we have feelings and they are significant. They are confessions we confine in tightly guarded places that need to breathe. Here are some of mine.

I frequently struggle with isolation

I’ve been a loner for as long as I can remember and although I was aware of this prior to marriage, somewhere deeply embedded was a belief that marriage would make this go away. It wasn’t until years into marriage I experienced recurring episodes of loneliness and wrestled with the inadequacy of trying to fill that void through my wife. I deal with this much better, yet I still experience pockets of profound isolation and have come to realization my wife cannot, and will never fully satisfy that need. She is ill-equipped because it’s part of my personality and a spiritual void. I now manage my expectations by interrupting falsehoods with spiritual truths, became more expressive when these feelings arise, and accepted the reality that this part of who I am.

Canva - Man, Lonely, Park, Night, Dark, Mystery, Alone, Male

I relentlessly wrestle with feelings of inadequacy

I frequently battle with thoughts of whether or not I am good enough, smart enough, and whether or not I am leading my family in a God-honoring way. I am a logical person, so I tend to judge the circumstance based on results, not intention, and internalize blame when things aren’t what I think they should be. I always assess my family’s success with an uneven ruler that often leaves me with the short end of the stick and most of the criticism. 99 percent of these criticisms are internal and I have to fight them with biblical truths daily.

I lust for other women

I love my wife, I am deeply committed to her, I have never been unfaithful, but there are times I want to have sex with other women. No attachment, life-term commitment, or genuine relationship, just sex. The truth is marriage doesn’t diminish your lust for other women. As men, we are attracted to what we see and no matter how incredibly beautiful, intelligent, and freaky our wife may be, there will always be someone prettier, more fit, funnier, more gifted and seemingly willing to do what our wives won’t. Always. I know men who won’t make a marital commitment because they feel it’ll close the door on all the other women, and I know some men who believe making the commitment will curtail their sexual attraction to all the women. Neither is true. I’ve met many men who have engaged in extramarital affairs, infidelity, and or heavy pornography use because they failed to realize this.


I now understand the psychology of a sexually repressed man and how he can rationalize the validity of self-satisfaction and or infidelity. Because so many men have the false notion that sex is an inalienable right, they acquiesce to the antiquated notion that if it’s not available at home they have a right to get it elsewhere. This is an inherently flawed construct because it sits on the pillar of self-happiness and fulfillment. However, this doesn’t license to women to wage sex as an incentive for good behavior. This can cause its own array of dysfunction, resentment, and conflict. Although sex is a critical part of holy matrimony, it doesn’t supersede the other tenants like unity, selfless love, and mutual submission.

“They acquiesce to the antiquated notion that if it’s not available at home they have a right to get it elsewhere.”

Sometimes I don’t want to come home

As previously mentioned, I’m been a loner for as long as I can remember and there are some days I don’t want to come home. I love being at home, but when I know I will be greeted by a crying child, an empty plate, dirty dishes, piles of laundry, and only 30-45 minutes to connect with my wife I’d rather stay out. I’d rather avoid all of these for limited personal peace. I’m not saying it’s healthy, I’m just saying it happens.

I love my family, but sometimes don’t miss them when I’m away

When I travel I don’t miss them as much as I thought I would. Since I’m an introvert, I really enjoy not having a curfew, not looking after a child, not sleeping with someone else in the bed, and not coordinating schedules for simple things like church. I enjoy being able to come and go as I please without considering another human being. If I know my family is safe and secure, I can live freely when I’m gone.

giphy martin

Sometimes I hate being married

Marriage is a phenomenal teacher of character, but the lessons don’t come easy. They are mostly through difficult circumstances, disagreements, and the normal challenges of trying to build biblical unity with someone. Ephesians 5:25 instructs husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church, and quite honestly, the practicality of this really sucks. Really, really sucks. This means you have to fight against your own inhibitions, biases, unforgiveness, idiosyncrasies, and problems you didn’t know you had while administering love of divine proportions to someone who may be the very agent of your agitation. How Sway! Let me make it plain as some old church traditions say. This means even of you aren’t happy or getting your emotional and sexual needs met you still have to love selflessly without reservation. Again, How Sway!


Our spouses are a mirror that reveal the slightest cracks in our leadership and personality and I can understand why some people call it quits. It can be much easier to stop looking in the mirror than to change what you see. We made a commitment to a life of sacrifice, personal healing, and unconditional love against all human logic. It’s not all doom and gloom, but honoring God’s covenant is serious business that too many of us take too lightly. On December 8, 2012, I made a commitment before God and my family to love my wife to death do us part and by God’s grace that’s’ what I’ll do. This is what all men should do regardless of how we feel and the direction society attempts to sway us. We have a responsibility to honor the legacy of family and build the character of nations through the commitment of marriage. These are my confessions, but not my covenant. What will be yours?


Brother to Brother: 10 Types of Women You Shouldn’t Date

In one of my recent posts, I gave women ten types of men to avoid, and although lots of women enjoyed the insight, the brothers felt left out. So, what about all the good brothers out there? The ones who love God, have common sense, are hard-working, and have a vision? Where do they find love? Although it’s arguable who has it worse, the fact is, for some men it’s very difficult to find a lady who is attractive, spiritual, (but not spooky), and isn’t loco.  As you’re in pursuit, watch out for these of women.

Thirsty Thelma: She’s always looking for man, and will do whatever it takes to get anyone that somewhat resembles a man. Her self-worth is predicated on her relationship status, and unfortunately this makes her vulnerable to scrubs, thugs, and bedbugs. Her Facebook status affirms her. Not God, her uniqueness or creativity. Not even the man she’s with. It’s simply the satisfaction of knowing she has a man.

Freaky Felicia: Self-explanatory right? She’s the kind of  vixen open more than your local Walmart. She’s open for business for anyone…and I mean anyone. You don’t know where she’s been, or with whom she’s been with. Bye Felicia.

Sleeping Sasha: She’s the main character in a story that’s all about her rescue from the perils of singlehood.  She’s stuck in a Disney movie, waiting for her handsome prince to ride in on a stallion, take her hand, and whisk her away to an enchanted land where love lives forever. A woman waiting on a man to become who she is destined to be is a woman out of touch with reality. These women will put unrealistic expectations on men and often play the victim instead of living victoriously.

Kangaroo Katie: She jumps in and out of relationships. Every time you see her she has a new man. She changes men like handbags. Usually, these types of women have issues they may or may not be aware of, and are looking for someone else to help fix. Sometimes they will superimpose unrealistic standards NO MAN is able to meet. They can search for minuscule, insignificant reasons to break up, and it’s on to the next one. She may even try to “build-a-boo”, by having two, three or five men on the side, each embodying a characteristic she desires.

Holy Heather: Ever met someone so spiritual they were out of touch with reality? Well fellas, this is Heather. She’s disconnected from the universe and masks genuine emotions, desires, and ideas-the ones God gives us-with spirituality. She is the, “Jesus is my boyfriend”, and “I’m just waiting on the Lord” kind of woman. She doesn’t know where she wants to go, what kind of man she’s looking for, or what qualities make her unique because, “The Lord ain’t revealed it yet.” She’s a bystander in life, and in relationships.


Insecure Ida: Every person deals with insecurities, idiosyncrasies and issues, but Ida is unreasonably insecure. She frequently speaks and behaves in ways to seek attention or affirmation. Initially, it can be cute or attractive to think you’re genuinely needed by her, but it’s fool’s gold. Trying to love an insecure person is like trying to cut down a redwood with a razor blade. You will never say enough, do enough, or be enough to give her what she needs: real self-love that comes from above.

Wonder Woman Wanda: It’s her way or the highway. She runs a strict dictatorship, and being with her is a privilege, or so she thinks. She makes the rules, the money, and tells subjects lucky enough to be under her rule what to do, how to do it, and when to do it. She feels the need to be in control and refuses to relinquish her Queendom. Frequently, people like this are deeply insecure and feel the need to overcompensate in areas where they may feel out of control. It’s a means of security. With her, “don’t you ever for a second get to thinking you’re irreplaceable.”

Krazy Keisha:  Just like Krazy Kevin, she gets hotter than the pavement in Arizona. She screams, cries, manipulates, and is emotionally unstable. One minute everything is fine, and the next, it’s like a scene out of, The Exorcist. She can also get physically violent, and best believe will slash tires and bust the windows out your car.

Cash-in Candace: I ain’t sayin’ she’s a gold-digger, but she ain’t messing with no broke… well, you know the song. If she’s overly-concerned about cheddar, then your life will not be better.  It’s all about the money… dollar, dollar bill y’all.  Her concept of manhood and womanhood may be rooted in false and erroneous ideologies that she will inevitably project on you.


Heartbroken Haley: Sometimes she walks in circles.  She’s been broken so many times she has built walls taller than Jericho and you ain’t getting through brother. She may have an emotional and spiritual  deficit that may require professional counseling. She’s the younger sister of Wonder Woman Wanda, and without a real intervention, will grow up to be just like her.

It’s tempting to be Billy Graham and go on a crusade to try save a woman from herself, but trust me, you cannot do it. When hurting people hurt people, and are in need of healing, the first step is to recognize the problem. The next is getting the appropriate help. After God made the first woman, that job became obsolete. We cannot make ourselves a wife; we must allow Him to present her to us. This means, like Eve, God makes her. He never told us to fall in love, he told us to walk in it, and sometimes walking in love means knowing what paths to avoid.


Brother to Sister: 10 Types of Men You Shouldn’t Date

All my single ladies… all my single ladies… now put your hands up… and pray! Yes, pray. That’s exactly what you need to do if you’re looking for a good man in today’s times. We are living in a hypersexual, pseudo-romantic and superficial society that continually narrates the old and fictitious tale of guy meets girl, the two fall in love, then they live happily ever after. Well, it’s just not true; it’s possible, just not highly probable. Sometimes it’s hard to find a good man and I want to help you as you’re waiting on Mr. Right or looking for him. I want to help you spot the NOTs so you don’t waste time trying to warm a fire that was never meant to burn. Here are several types of men you need to avoid:


Casanova Carl He treats his women like Lays Potato Chips: he can’t have just one. The most important thing you need to know about Carl is stay away. Although he may not sleep around with many women, he likes his “friends” a little too much and doesn’t know how to appropriately detach. He craves feminine attention and affirmation and may not know how to relate to men. He may be  good to hang out with, but keep him in the friend zone.

Krazy Kevin: Here’s Kevin! Run! Get out the way! This is the, “I called you 10 times in one hour because I can’t live without you.” The, “I went looking for you because you were gone more than 30 minutes” kind of brother. He’s unpredictable, controlling, overly critical, sensitive and abnormally attached. He can be verbally and physically abusive. He is literally crazy. A couple of red flags: (1) He tries to get too close way too soon, (2) He show signs of aggressive pursuit too early without knowing anything about you, (3) He is a ticking time bomb. Anything can set him off.  He has so many issues you could fill two landfills and still have more room. These relationships are highly flammable and have a high propensity to turn dangerous. Please stay away.

Krazy Kevin

Wild Wendall: When you see this man please move. NOW! Like, right now! He exhibits unreasonable anger, doesn’t like authority, rules or boundaries. He wants what he wants and when he wants it, including you. Initially, his character deficiencies can be masqueraded by emotional authenticity and admirable drive but buyer beware! Quite often this type of behavior is rooted in insecurity, privilege, and a host of deep fractures. It may also reveal some deeper issues you’re not the person to help fix. I repeat, you’re not the person to help fix. Marriage is a magnifier for who we really are. If he can’t control his habits, sexuality, anger and emotions now it won’t change later.

Passive Paul He doesn’t breathe unless he gets permission first. He waits for you to make the first move for everything. He waits for you to express interest. He doesn’t initiate important conversations, is overly fearful of rejection, and incapable of making decisions and sticking to them. He likes whatever you like and goes wherever you lead. He avoids conflict and seldom steps up, speaks up or stands up.

Passive Paul

Selfie Santiago Simply put, it’s all about him. He spends more time in the mirror than you and everything is about him. His looks, his feelings, his ideas, his dreams, his life! He’s vain and overly focused on appearance: yours and his. Do yourself a favor: take one last picture then crop yourself out.

Brandon the Baby Two words: mama’s boy. Unfortunately, we live in a society where a lot of our boys were raised by single mothers. Historically, this has negatively interrupted our men’s identity development, sense of independence, and unfortunately, you have to deal with it. This guy still lives at home, doesn’t work nor looks for work and still depends on his mama for basic survival. He is a lot like Passive Paul in the sense he doesn’t control his life and waits for others to guide him through it. He will sometimes compare you to his mama and will criticize when you don’t measure up. If you’re not looking to be a mama then leave him alone.

Brandon the Baby

Lukewarm Larry This guy loves his freedom and doesn’t want to be confined to any religion, world doctrine, or anything that requires commitment. He lives by a smorgasbord of religious, philosophical, and self-derived principles. Essentially, he’s confused. Although he may be intellectually astute and a great conversationalist, unfortunately he stands for nothing. Larry might not lead you down a path of wickedness, death, or destruction but equally he cannot lead you to a place of indisputable truth.

Superman Sean This brother has so much on his plate he bought another one just to make room for everything. He’s the ultra-busy, “sorry, I’ve been too busy to call you back” guy.  He has too many things to do. He habitually returns your calls unreasonably late, misses the appointments you and he set, and puts you at the bottom of his to-do list. He’s not ready for a relationship; he’s just looking for another trophy to add to his mantle.

Superman Sean

Blind Bernard: Bernard is visually impaired and has no vision. He is unable to plan long-term and suffers from nearsightedness.  Don’t get me wrong, he doesn’t have to present a ten year plan, but he does have to have a clue about life. He doesn’t know, nor has ever thought about his life passions, the legacy he wants to leave, or your future together. He is often vocationally, educationally, and spiritually complacent. He lacks motivation and frequently exhibits a “good enough” attitude. That is to say, regardless of opportunities and how they potentially impact he and his family; he does just enough to get by.  Not too little and not too much: just enough. Buy him some prescription lenses and leave them at his doorstep.

Nathan Nonbeliever: If you and he don’t spiritually agree, then chances are it ain’t meant to be.  Need I say more? I don’t care how fine, strong, funny, charming, spiritual, articulate, good to his mama and granny he is. If he is not wholeheartedly committed to his relationship with Christ you are going to have trouble. This is not to say if you marry him all hell will break loose. This is to say marriage is a sacred covenant between two people for expanding God’s work on earth. Yes, it can be fun and nice to have someone to lay beside, but if you two don’t have a basic reference point for life then there will be trouble. The price tag of settling for less than God’s best can be very, very expensive and sometimes you need the courage to say goodbye.


If you find yourself becoming frustrated and overwhelmed by the perceived lack of good men, be patient. In your singleness try investing in the lives of others and learning more about yourself. We unfailingly find ourselves in broken relationships because one or both of us started as broken people looking for someone to fix us. If you’re single keep an eye out for these men. If you’re currently in a relationship with one of these men and you aren’t married, you may want to seriously consider ending it. You don’t want to spend precious years trying to water and nurture something that was never supposed to grow. Stand in courageous faith, trust fiercely and keep hope alive until God brings you someone.     


Books I Recommend:

Too Close Too Soon

101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged

Dare 2 Dream


People don’t care about the problems you’re going through as much as the ones you’ve overcome. There are many people today that find it easier to complain about what’s not right rather than what is, and unfortunately this becomes more pervasive as our society matures. At times I find myself in this category and I can often become so narcissistic and self-absorbed I begin to highlight all the things that aren’t going well before I appreciate what is. Apathy is an infectious disease that can cripple the dreams of the courageous and blind the eye of the visionary. It’s prevalent in today’s society because it often camouflages itself as caution and critical-thinking. It is the cousin to slothfulness which also has the potential to apprehend the young and gifted. It was once said, “Slothfulness lives because there is nothing for which it will die for.”

With this in mind, there’s an important question to consider: Are you young and gifted? If so, are you living in the fullness in which you were created to live? If not, why not? What’s your dream? Have you ever dreamt a dream so big it frightened you? One of the most dangerous types of people is a person who isn’t afraid to die. He’s dangerous because he knows why he lives and isn’t intimidated by life’s vicissitudes, challenges and pockets of frustration. There are many dreamers that have been silenced by the pressures of life and paralyzed by the persistent pierce of impossibility. If we are truly spiritual beings having a natural experience then we will believe when scripture tells us there is nothing impossible with God and through our weaknesses He is made strong. If you’ve never read the story of Gideon, I highly recommend you check it out. It’s in that book called the Bible. Heck, you can even Google it.

It’s very difficult not to look at the realities of life and act oblivious to the challenges we face, however Solomon reminded us in Ecclesiastes there is nothing new under the sun. You’re not the first one to experience challenge, but you are the only one who’ll experience it in your shoes. Why not use it as an opportunity to help someone avoid some of the roadblocks you faced? Sometimes the biggest enemy to greatness is doing good so don’t waste time simply doing good things. It’s far easier, as well as less demanding but it takes uncommon courage to conquer the uncommon and travel the road less traveled.

The truth is, the longer we wait to start living the more comfortable we become with the idea of dying. Myles Munroe once said, “One of the greatest tragedies in life is to watch potential die untapped.” The purpose in you waits to be released and the world waits on you. It waits on your ideas and vision to be materialized. A vision is only as strong as the mind in which it incubates so decide today to liberate your vision and restore your hope. If you want what you’ve never had then you have to do what you’ve never done. Keep the dream alive and start living today!

There Is No Plan B: A Message to Aspiring World Changers

superheroEveryone has a dream. Everyone has a goal. Everyone was born with an innate desire to become someone that contributes to something bigger than himself. That innate desire is called purpose and far too many people are living below the level of greatness God put in us. There is a time in our lives when we have to face the grim reality that we are today’s answers for tomorrow’s problems. When we fail to be who we are called to be the world suffers. Barack Obama once said, “Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for. We are the change we seek.” Want to be a world changer? Here are 6 things to help you get started.

Be committed to self-development: 

Self-development is foundation for success. Leaders teach what they know and reproduce who they are. It’s unlikely to find a successful person that hasn’t worked on himself just as much as he’s worked on others. Lao Tzu believed, “He who conquers others is strong, but he who conquers himself is mighty.” Often times, the most engulfing snares and visceral fears come from within, but seldom do we take the time to seriously assess ourselves. There are three important questions every person must ask himself: (1) what do I want, (2) why don’t I have it and (3) what am I willing to do to get it? If you want to be successful find someone who has gone where you’d like to go and learn from them. Whether a spiritual leader, business expert or community activist, find someone to model. You can also read books, attend seminars and often times access a plethora of free resources at your local library. Remember, you are the change you wish to see in the world. Whatever you want to see happen must first start with you.

Be insanely myopic concerning your goal:

There is no plan B. Ever wondered why you see horses race with blinders? Horses have peripheral vision and when racing they can become distracted. Jockeys use blinders to keep them focused. When you set a goal, motivation will get you started, but commitment will keep you going. Commitment is doing what you said you’d do long after the feeling is gone. When you take the time to focus and resolve in your mind the goal has already been accomplished there is nothing that can stop you. A great example of this is Diana Nyad, who recently became the first person in history to swim 110 miles from Cuba to Florida without the assistance of a shark cage. This was the fifth attempt of a thirty year journey. After the 53 hour voyage she said, “I have three messages and one of them is never ever give up.” By the way did I mention she is 64 years old? She had an unyielding resilience, unconquerable desire and laser focus.

Surround yourself with people that are headed in the same direction:

We’ve all heard the phrase, “birds of a feather flock together”, but have you ever wondered why? Scientists researched geese flying patterns and found out the V formation they assume serves two very important reasons. Number one is energy conservation. When all the birds are doing their job then each bird’s energy is multiplied. The second reason is communication. In the V formation it is easier to communicate with each other. Because of this, the V formation is commonly used among pilots, military regiments and more. You are an average of your five closet friends. Where are you flying and who’s to the left and right of you?

Work for something bigger than you:

Proverbs 1:7 tells us the fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge. This knowledge is more than a mere understanding and conceptualization of principles. It is connected to a deeper understanding of life and character. We’re all in pursuit of some kind of knowledge. We want to know who we are, why we are here and what to do with the time we’ve been given. When we decide to work for something greater than ourselves it does three things: (1) gives us meaning, (2) motivates us when discouraged and (3) puts life’s vicissitudes in proper perspective. Author and activist Helen Keller said, “The only thing worse than being blind is having sight but no vision.” Who are you working for? God? Family? Your community? Learn to work for something greater than yourself and see how much further you can go.

Have a strong “why”:

Your why is the absolute fundamental, rudimentary, nucleus of your passion. This is the sole reason you strive towards a goal. Your why should make you cry. Simply put, you have to tap into something you’re so passionate about it will make you vehemently defend it when no one else will. Your why, when all else fails, will keep you in the fight regardless of the disappointments, discouragements, dejections. This has to be written down and takes some introspective reflection to discover. Usually, it’s something you will do whether or not you got paid for it. Sometimes the problems that bring us the most frustration are the ones we are here to solve. What makes you MAD (Motivated And Determined) enough to make a difference?

Get rid of your excuses:

George Washington Carver believed ninety nine percent of  failures come from the people who have the habit of making excuses. An excuse is any reason given that helps us justify why we don’t do what we know we are supposed to do. We all have them and choose when we want to employ them to escape the accountability of reality. That is to say, we use today’s excuses to pacify yesterday’s failures. They have been with us since the beginning of time and will be with us tomorrow. Regardless of their believability, they eventually prove unfruitful. Remember Adam’s excuse for breaking God’s commandment? Remember what Moses said when he was called to lead the people? What about you? What excuses do you make? Learn to identify them and be responsible enough to take a punch in the gut by the grizzly truth when necessary. Think about the past five years of your life and assess whether or not you’ve moved closer to your goal? If not, then why? What will you do differently today that will ensure the next five years aren’t like the past?

Mark Twain suggested twenty years from now we will be more disappointed by the things that we didn’t do than the ones we did. Remember the world is waiting on your voice, gifts, talents and abilities. One of greatest tragedies is to have lived a lifetime only to realize that you never really lived. Make a difference and DO IT TODAY!